Blitzkrieg Studios
by Yurii Savinov
Summary: Meh. I have no life. I did a spoof on my own fanfiction, Chetirye Vyeter. This is what happens when Kai and Tala get bored, and 3 teams are all in one house. CHAOS! Contains LOTS of swearing. COUPLES SPOILERS!
1. Chapter 1

**Blitzkrieg Studios**

**Chapter One

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**

**Yurii:** _How sad am I? I'm making a spoof on my own fan fiction. –sighs- whatever. ONWARD!

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_

The camera first shows static, then an out-of-focus pair of blobs. Someone zooms the camera out a little to show Kai and Tala in what looks like a surveillance room. Tala is spinning around in his swivel chair laughing insanely while Kai tries to set up their video camera.

"Yo! This is Kai here-"

He grabs hold of Tala's chair, bringing it to an immediate halt and sending Tala to the ground. Kai adjusts the camera to show a very dizzy Tala lying facedown on the ground.

"And this idiot is Tala, and since we have no life, we decided to make a spoof on the fiction loved by everyone who knows _Yurii Savinov_ from –drum roll please- Chetirye Vyeter. And for those of you who are too ignorant and/or stupid to know what that means, it's Russian for Four Winds. Sweet, huh?"

"Could someone stop the room now? I'd like to get off." Tala says still on the floor.

"Get over it, bitch."

"Love you too."

"Whatever."

In the background, Tala gets up and sits back on his swivel chair.

"Well now that you're here, here's the 411. The evil grand poobah of the BBA Mr. Dictatorson –who happens to now be coworkers with Taylia Strelnikov, Kai's filthy rich and _really hot_ girlfriend- thought it would be a good idea if the Four Winds, the Blitzkrieg Boys and the BBA Revolution, and for some weird reason that Slavic chick Danica from the Majestics, all stayed under one roof. Namely, Taylia's roof." Tala says to the camera in an anchorman fashion.

"Thank you, Peter Jennings." Kai says dryly.

"Back to you, Kimberly Hunt."

"Screw you, fucktard. Anywho, since Taylia's place is under security…" He zooms out to show the huge panel of buttons and screens. "We decided to fuck around with some of the cameras and put them into our production, which we aren't gonna bother naming cuz I'm too lazy to think of something."

"Actually, we're not gonna bother because you're too stupid to come up with a good name."

"Like you could think of something? I'm sure that computer in your fucking head is good for something besides downloading porn, Cyborg."

"…. Who told you?"

"…Dude, I don't even wanna know. On second thought, maybe I should ask _Drayea_ if she knows, see what happens. Twenty bucks says she kicks your ass into the middle of the next leap year."

"Fuck you."

"Now, back on topic. Since we have no lives-"

"_You_ have no life, Kai. You dragged me into this."

"Shut up. Since _we_ have no lives, we're gonna make the world's longest, most insane-"

"Most retarded…"

"And fucked-up video the BBA has ever seen. Payback for putting a bunch of teenagers in one house. I swear that old fart geezer Mr. D has it in for us. I bet he's counting on one of us trying to rape one of the girls so he can throw us in the slammer with Boris and my fucked-up grandfather Voltaire."

"_Pfft_, like you could if you tried. Need I remind you of the last time you said something fresh to your girlfriend?"

"Shut up."

"It's just a _little_ hard not to remember; she kicked you in the nuts wearing steel-toed combats. (shudder) I heard you wishing for death."

Kai shudders again.

"Now that we've brought up that lovely little flashback, lets see it on screen… SLOW-MO!" Tala screams at the camera shaking it wildly before it cuts to another scene.

Taylia is leaning with her back against a wall, arms folded and looking really pissed off. Kai has one hand on the wall by her head and is saying something. A huge anime pressure point appears on the Four Winds' team captain's head before she stands upright, brings her leg back (all this in slow motion) and swings it up with amazing force between Kai's legs. Still slow motion, Kai's face contorts into one of extreme pain before falling to the ground in a fetal position. Taylia stomps off screen.

It cuts back to the two boys in the surveillance room. Tala can't be seen, but he can be heard laughing hysterically… likely rolling on the ground.

"Ah, get over it bitch!"

Kai kicks Tala somewhere on the floor. A grunt is heard before the redhead gets up and assumes his seat again.

"Asswipe. Now, on to the main event!"

The camera cuts to a scene where the teams are first coming in and filing off the bus. Taylia, for some reason, is screaming in Russian and running after Kai with Drayea's scythe launcher in her hands while Tala is laughing and holding the camera. Drayea is standing on the left side of the screen shaking her head.

"I'm surrounded by idiots."

"That hurts, baby."

"Truth hurts. Get over it, Ivanov."

Tala backs off. Kai, who is now lying on his stomach on the ground and pinned by Taylia sitting on his back with the handle of the scythe over his neck, looks up.

"Yeah Ivanov! Get over it! OW!" He yells, getting a good smack on the head from Taylia.

"What a weird relationship those two have." Tala comments.

"I'll say." Drayea replies. "One minute, Taylia's trying to kill him, and the next he's lying on top of her playing tonsil hockey."

Tala shudders.

"Lovely thought. So, now that we're here, lets get a shot of Buckingham Palace."

"Huh?"

"My point being this place is fucking huge."

Tala turns around and points the camera at the "house". As commented, the place is huge. In the background, Taylia throws in the nickel tour.

"Yep, it's got eight stories, a fucking huge pool and spa, a library, a walk-in refrigerator, a basement the size of a freaking beystadium and an attic-slash-loft, my lair."

"Shouldn't it be your _nest_, phoenix?" Tala shouts back.

"Aha ha ha ha, really funny, wolf boy. Maybe we should make the basement your _den_." She yells back. By now she's gotten up off Kai.

"Yeesh, her sense of humor is even worse than Voltaire's."

At the mention of the name, Kai cringes. Tala notices.

"What's wrong Kai, can't take hearing about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?"

"Shut it, Harry Potter."

"Voltaire!"

_Cringe._

"VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Kai is now shivering comically. Taylia comes up behind him and hugs him.

"Aww, poor baby. Did Tala scare you?"

Kai's not amused but plays along anyway.

"Yeah, he did!" He says in a nasally, childish voice. "Sick 'em!"

Taylia turns slowly to Tala with a look of murder on her face as the camera gets passed to Drayea.

"RUN, BITCH, RUN!" Drayea screams.

Taylia lets out a feral snarl before whipping out Drayea's scythe from nowhere and running after Tala screaming in Russian.

"Whoa, déjà vu."

"Remind me again why you have a _scythe_ for a launcher? And where your psychotic team captain can get to it? You know how she gets when she has sharp, pointy objects in her hands."

"Dunno. I just liked the idea of it."

A thud is heard, likely Kai and one of his anime-falls.

The camera cuts to the front door being viewed from the inside. Everything around it is richly decorated, and the bladers are all milling around in random areas. A very pissed-off looking Riikka is leaning against the wall, arms folded while Ray chats endlessly to her. On the other side of the screen, Bryan has his back turned, currently oblivious.

"Hold it!"

The camera cuts back to Kai and Tala. Kai is standing by a Playskool© easel with a pad of paper with notes on it.

"Before we continue the clip (which is about to get really good, by the way), you should know a few things. Exhibit A!"

Kai brings a pointer out from behind his back and whips the paper. A crooked triangle is drawn on the paper, and at each point is a kind of chibi stick figure that resembled a few bladers.

"This is my shitty interpretation of a love triangle. Actually, it's more of a love-hate triangle. These little stick figures are Bryan, Riikka and Ray. EXHIBIT B!"

He flips the page.

"Now, make note of this. Ray likes Riikka. Bryan likes Riikka. Riikka likes Bryan. Riikka hates Ray. Bryan hates Ray. Ray hits on Riikka…"

He flips the page again to show Stick Riikka and Stick Bryan pummeling Stick Ray with red scribbles showing lots of blood.

"Riikka hits Ray. Bryan hits Ray. And for those of you who don't know, Bryan is 1) _Very_ strong, and 2) very possessive. EXHIBIT C! Ray hits on Riikka again the next day. Bryan and Riikka hit Ray. Again. The End."

"I love a happy ending."

"Yeah, yeah. Back to the clip." Before cutting back to the scene, it shows Tala and Kai with popcorn in a metal bowl.

Riikka, who is now thoroughly pissed off, gets up and walks past Bryan. Ray follows without realizing where she's leading him. As soon as he's next to Bryan, the Falcon shoots him a withering glare that says clearly, "hands off my woman". Ray slinks away in a cat-like fashion while Riikka smirks. A scoreboard appears at the top of the screen.

Riikka and Bryan- 1, Ray- 0

"Hahahaha! Take that you neko freak!" This time, it's Kai laughing insanely. "Hey, since when is Bryan so possessive?"

"Since when are you such a dumbass? Geez, you have the brain capacity of a fucking housefly."

"I think your hard drive needs to be upgraded, dumbass."

Out of the blue, Tala snatches the metal popcorn bowl out of Kai's hands, dumps it on his head and whips out his launcher, banging it multiple times on the bowl and making a loud noise like a gong.

"Feel the love. Oh, and before we end this episode, let's throw in one more clip… I love this one."

The scene cuts to a surveillance camera's view of Tyson and Max running through the halls yelling and panicking, running into random things and several times, each other.

"**God fucking damnit what the hell is your guys' problems!**"

Tyson and Max both come to a total halt when they see a fuming Mitsu, who is at the bottom of the screen.

"We'relostinthishugeplaceandwe'regonnadiecuzwecan'tgetoutofhere!"

Mitsu, confused, cocks an eyebrow. On the bottom of the screen, subtitles pass by.

_**We're lost in this huge place and we're gonna die cuz we can't get out of here!**_

"Idiots…"

Grabbing both of the boys by their ears, she drags them off screen. It switches to another three or four surveillance cameras to show her dragging them all the way to the main staircase before shoving them down. She walks off-screen and reappears a moment later with a suit of armor, which she pushes down as well. A crashing is heard and the camera cuts out as Mitsu throws back her head and laughs maniacally.

"Well, that's all the time we have. I'm Tala Ivanov."

"And I'm Kai Hiwatari, and I'm wondering how long we're going to survive in this madhouse." He gives a V for Victory sign. "Peace out."

In the background, shouting and curses are heard as Kai tackles Tala.

Camera stops.


	2. Chapter 2

**Blitzkrieg Studios**

**Chapter Two

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**

**Yurii:** _BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CHAPTER TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

_**Note: I mean no offense to anyone who is religous and reads this.**

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_

The camera turns on again to show Kai and Tala both in their respective chairs, Kai with a swollen bruise on his forehead and Tala with a black eye.

"Hey, we're back. I'm Tala."

"And I'm Kai, and I can proudly say that I've pummeled my own team captain." He says with a smug grin.

"Yeah, but the black eye still isn't your fault."

"What you talkin' bout, Willis?"

"HEY! Both of you zip it!"

The camera turns to a third person in a swivel chair; Danica. A backdrop of the office from _The Godfather_ crashes down and a spotlight appears on Danica.

"Wassup, peeps. This is your lord and master, Danica Arsenyev. Since these two idiots were making so much god damn noise, I found them fucking around in here and attempting to beat the shit out of each other. Keyword here being _attempting_."

"Yep. The black eye and bruise are Danica's doing." Tala agrees.

"How can you be so calm? We got our asses kicked by a girl who's barely 5 feet tall!" Kai shouts.

"Tough shit, bitch! Oh, and for those of you who want a physical description of me, go read chapter one of _Tsyetirye Vyetra_! Yurii Savinov is a fucking lazy jackass and doesn't feel like posting it all over again, so like I said before, tough shit!"

"Boy, you sure know how to make a person feel loved…"

"Now shut up and lets roll the damn clips!"

"Who died and made you queen?"

Danica turns to Kai and Tala with a sly grin.

"Because, my dear Tala, if Taylia knew what you were doing up here, she would have your heads mounted on the wall. You're letting me in on all this to save your lives. _Comprende_?"

They both nod.

"Good. Now, before we continue, we have a few evaluations to make, staring with a short rant by yours truly. It's only fair to warn you about the **couples**:

"Tala and Drayea are really still in the 'look-at-me-the-wrong-way-and-you're-dead-Ivanov' stage. Baby steps, slow and steady.

"Taylia and Kai are psychotic. Kai is always flirting with her, and Taylia is always trying to kill him or castrate him in some horrible, gruesome way. Nonetheless, they wind up making up (or more to the point, making out) at the end of the day.

"Bryan and Riikka… dear god, they're even worse than Kai and Taylia. Since Ray is always hitting on Riikka, their favorite way (actually, Bryan's favorite way) to get rid of catboy is to start a makeout session, and I don't mean like just a pathetic lip lock, we're talking Bryan shoving Riikka against the nearest wall with his tongue down her throat. …Ew.

"Mitsu and Spencer… eh, they're not so bad. They don't talk much except when Mitsu is going schizo or demonic, and that's when _everyone_ knows to run for the hills. She's even scarier than Taylia PMS-ing when she gets like that, and that, my loyal viewing underlings, is _truly_ scary.

"Lastly, me and Ian. We're more or less the most annoying pair in the group, and I say this proudly. People assume we're a couple since we're always plotting and scheming together. Why, you ask? Because he's the only minion I've ever had who can come up with a doozy of a prank _and_ get away with it."

Kai continues.

"As for the Four Winds girls and Danica, (whom I won't dare describe while she's here for fear she kills me,) they're all fucked up in one way or another.

"My girlfriend Taylia is another psychotic Russian nut who can cuss in 43 languages with a fetish for sharp, pointy objects she can use to try and kill me in my sleep or ensure that I never have children. –shudder- Her favorites include Drayea's scythe launcher, her own lance launcher, Mitsu's glaive launcher, the swords in the suit of arms that seem to be mounted along every 10 feet of wall space, katanas (one or two at a time), and one or more of her many beyblades; all of which she seems to pull out of nowhere. She's the team captain of the Four Winds, and I think her influence is what made all the others completely nuts.

"Drayea is Tala's girlfriend. She's a German and the oldest in their group of psychos and appears to be the most sensible. Key word there; _appears_. Actually, she's probably the worst out of all of them. She, like her _muy loco_ team captain, has a fetish for weapons. The only difference is, Drayea's thing isn't for aforementioned sharp, pointy objects; she prefers to go with anything that goes BOOM, i.e. explosives. I don't think I need to continue from there…

"Riikka is Bryan's girlfriend, a Finn (As in Finland, you ignorant morons). She's even more hotheaded than that McGregor bitch, which is why he's scared of her… just like almost everybody else in the BBA. Not because of her temper, but because of the fact that she's with Bryan. Need I remind you of this; Bryan is so fucking possessive if it even _appears_ to _look_ like someone is _trying_ to flirt with her or anything else you perverted minds can think of, they're going to find themselves in the ER faster than you can say 'Stroblitz'.

"Lastly, there's Mitsu, Spencer's girlfriend, the freakishly tall Japanese chick. _Holy fuck_. This girl is _scary_. One minute she's the sweet, caring big sister or doctor, and the next she's laughing maniacally, usually with one of Taylia's sharp objects in her hands, and going on a huge rant about how she's going to kill us all in our sleep. Why Spencer likes her, I will never know. I'm not even sure he's in his right mind; maybe she used mind control or something... anyways...Everyone locks their doors at nights now because of her."

"Now, ONWARD!"

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It's day two at the Strelnikov manor, and the camera turns on again to show the BBA Revolution team lying around doing nothing while loud crashing is coming from the flight of stairs off screen. It turns to Tala, who has the camera again. 

"Wassup, this is everyone's favorite Russian redheaded cyborg Tala, and the crashing you hear is Taylia redefining _blitzkrieg_ for Kai down in the cellar. Shall we check it out?"

He turns the camera away and makes it nod.

"Alrighty then!"

Taking the camera, he walks downstairs. At the bottom of the steps, he cautiously pokes the camera out to make sure it's safe. A second later, a blade shoots at a spot off screen close to the camera and hits the wall, smashing the concrete before bouncing back to the dish. The enormous room looks like Drayea went on another grenade rampage; massive holes blown in the walls, floor and ceiling, and it looks like something in the background is on fire. The only thing intact is the small makeshift lounge in the far corner.

"Sweet mother of Jesus!"

"Yeah, I think her name was Mary." Taylia muses.

"What the hell? You fucking obliterated the basement!" He shouts laughing.

"I know. Cool, huh?" Taylia says cheerfully.

Tala doesn't reply, as he is laughing too hard. Kai rolls his eyes and grabs the camera, punching the wolf (hard) in the head.

"Now, to report the damage."

Kai turns around slowly in a circle, getting a 360 degree view of the totaled basement. Taylia is grinning like a maniac as she loads her launcher and aims at the nearest thing; the camera.

"3, 2, 1, LET IT RIP!"

"AHHHH! NO!"

Taylia launches her blade straight at the camera as Kai turns and runs. He falls, probably hit by the blade, and drops the camera which lands on the couch he was planning to hide behind.

The camera, sideways, shows Taylia flying tackling Kai into the glass coffee table, which shatters as the two are practically somersaulting around the room in an attempt to pin the other. Kai eventually gets slammed into the ground by Taylia, who is sitting cross-legged on top of him, arms folded and smirking.

"Hah! I win again!"

"Again? What do you mean 'again', you've never won before!"

"Have so. I've been keeping count."

"Well, get off me already, I can't breathe."

"Are you calling me fat?"

"Pretty much."

Taylia's eye twitches, and Kai's smirk disappears.

"Dude, you're fucking dead. Oh, and I get dibs on your assets when you die!" Tala shouts in the background.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Camera cuts to static as Kai lands on it from being hurled into the couch.

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The camera turns on again, this time showing the backyard with the huge pool mentioned before. Tala, as well as the other boys, is wearing only his swimming shorts. 

(**A/N: Tala fangirls, feel free to drool now.**)

"Okay, Riikka managed to save our sorry asses from the wrath of the crazy phoenix who owns this palace by dragging us out here to enjoy the view."

The camera pans around to show the mountains and the bright sun. It then moves down and zooms in on the back view of Drayea, who is wearing a brown two-piece and sunglasses and is tanning on a chaise lounge.

"Oh yeah, _loving_ the view."

"Tala, put that damn camera away. I swear, you could be dating that thing considering the amount of time you spend with it."

"Heh, jealous."

Drayea turns around, lowering her sunglasses slightly to glare at the camera.

"You wish, Ivanov."

"Oh, on the surname track now, are we Rothstein?"

"Shut up."

Tala shrugs and puts the camera down on the table only to be picked up by Kai a moment later who turns it to himself.

"Okay, for those of you who are stupid don't know what's going on, here's the 411. Riikka got all 3 teams outside to swim, which means the girls are in their bathing suits and the guys are lacking shirts. Now, we've got some pale-skinned Russians who are turning red, not just from sunburn, and the girls are having a blast making us miserable."

He zooms out to show that he's soaking wet.

(**A/N: Okay, now Kai fangirls, get ready to drool with me at the thought of that muscular body dripping with water. Ready? Set...–drools-**)

"Hey Kai, think fast!"

Kai looks to his right as a water balloon hits him on the head. He shoots a dark glare at the thrower, who happens to be Taylia.

"Nice catch, Kai!"

"Ah, shut up."

Kai turns the camera to the pool where Taylia is sitting (soaking wet) on the edge in a black one-piece with holes in the torso put there on purpose.

"Hey, Kai, I know it didn't hit you that hard!"

The camera is abruptly put down as footsteps quickly walk away. Taylia grabs the camera and zooms in on a retreating Kai, who is fighting a spewing nosebleed.

Camera turns off.

* * *

"Hey guys, don't look so bummed! That was fucking hilarious!" 

Tala and Kai aren't so amused and are scowling while Danica is laughing insanely to the point where she almost falls off her chair. By now, Tala's eye is twitching.

"THAT'S IT!"

Before anyone can react, Tala leaps to his feet and flying tackles Danica out of her seat as she screams. Danica reacts almost immediately and shoves him off with her feet, getting up and running for the door. Tala grabs her ankles, causing her to fall to the ground.

"Gotcha!"

Right about then, the door slams open to show a worried looking Drayea. However, getting a look at Tala and Danica on the floor, she looks about ready to murder someone. Besides, she only caught the last two seconds of the fight where Tala pinned Danica underneath him on his hands and knees with her wrists gripped tightly in his hands, so anyone could imagine what it looked like to her.

"YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, IVANOV!"

"Wait, Drayea, it's not what it looks like!"

"**ROAR!**"

The camera gets knocked off the control panel and onto one of the chairs as Drayea flying tackles Tala to the ground and proceeds to beat the crap out of him. Kai is by the door looking panicked in case Taylia might hear, and Danica is cheering Drayea on.

"GUYS! Quit it, Taylia might hear!" Kai whispers harshly.

"SOD THAT!"

Drayea kicks Tala into the chair with the camera, which cuts out with static as it hits the ground.

Camera stops.

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**  
Yurii:** _XD I was laughing my ass off as I wrote this. Review and tell me how much you loved/hated it!  
_


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